Rebuilding

(I am hoping this post isn't too much of a downer. It is meant to be mostly analytical and to express the hope that I am holding in my heart.)

Years ago, I struggled to know who I was. I was focussed mostly on being what other people wanted. My life has changed dramatically since then and now I'm spreading my wings. Part of this entails forming new relationships of all types. This has never really been my strong suit. I'm an introvert. I'm shy. I'm very cautious around new people until I feel that I can let loose, and most troubling of all, I so often feel like I can't relate.

Being an unmarried, childless, newly solo renter, immediately puts me in a different category than most of my 30-something peers. In addition, my hobbies and interests sometimes feel like they are, not only a little strange, but generally not very condusive to forming close friendships. I'm a little bit geeky, but not geeky enough to talk shop. I don't keep up with any of the popular television series. I don't have cable and every time I sit down to a flick, I feel like I'm wasting time. I'm sort of crafty, but the crafty world always feels mostly like a place of solitude while diligently working on the project of the moment. My physical hobbies, biking and running, are most comfortably done solo. I hate the idea of not being able to keep up with those around me, like I'm too out of shape to go at any pace but my own. I love to garden and cook, but am not well-outfitted for either at this phase of my life and both are generally done alone anyway.

Worst of all, I have a difficult time carrying on a conversation. I am not an opinionated person. I live by a "to each their own unless someone is getting hurt" policy. I don't really care much about what is going on in the pop culture world. I try to avoid getting too wrangled up in politics because it exacerbates my anxiety issues. I know a lot of very intelligent and kind people, but never quite feel like I'm on the same wavelength.

So, I'm in a lonely place sometimes, but who isn't, I guess? What's my solution? I'm forcing myself to step outside of my comfort zone. OVER AND OVER.

For a year and a half, I've been volunteering for a couple of causes that I hold dear. It took me two years prior to that to build up the confidence to do so. In doing so, I've met a lot of sweet people, but somehow never connect beyond that weekly small-talk.

In becoming more physically active and starting this blog, I've discovered a beautiful community of supportive and caring people. Still, sometimes I just feel so... different... so... removed.

I need to keep at this; volunteering, taking classes, going to various events, putting myself out there amongst people. I need to continue to relearn what it means to be a good friend, a skill that I lost during a decade of emotional angst and fear. I need to learn patience with the organic nature of friendships. I hope to someday again know the feeling of having a best friend who also holds me in the same regard.

Please be patient with me, world, and I will offer you the same.