ch ch ch changes!

I've been in a battle with Blogger and Flickr over the past few days, trying to share some photos of what's been going on in my life lately. Either I'm doing something wrong or there are restrictions on uploading over the library's internet. Either way - UGH! So, a text only post, it is.

It's been on and off rainforest-like in the Midwest the past several weeks. It's not lending itself well to outdoor running, which at the moment, is my easiest option. In fact, I took almost an entire week off while it was consistently in the high 90s and humid. Otherwise I've been squeezing in runs in the wee hours of the morning on weekends, or late in the evenings, which require an after-work nap to keep me energized. It's been a challenge, but so very worth it. I'm seeing so many positive changes already, only three months after starting on this leg of my journey.

I'm:

• down 20+ pounds
• again fitting into a lot of my cute clothing that I had purchased a few years back and had grown too big for, cinching my belts, giving away clothing that is too large for me now
• finding it easier to climb the stairs to my apartment
• sleeping better
• feeling more energized
• in a better mood and experiencing less anxiety, even in situations where I previously would have found myself absolutely overwhelmed with it
• seeing the muscles grow in my legs, which is so cool
• able to bike farther and faster than this spring
• able to run for 30 minutes straight, when just 6 weeks ago, I couldn't run for 3

I cannot possibly express how valuable the time and energy put into getting healthy is in the long run. Sure, it can be a pain in the butt to wake up a little early or to force yourself to exercise after a long day at work. Of course I've struggled with food cravings, and bad days where I didn't make the best choices. But over time I'm making more positive choices than negative ones and they are adding up to very pleasing results. :D If you're on such a journey of your own, keep at it! You won't regret it!

a plug

I met Jen, a Priorfatgirl, at an event of hers in early May. She has lost 100+ pounds and created for herself a much healthier body and lifestyle. Her message, along with those of the people she surrounded herself with, changed me for the better. She is hosting another such event on Saturday, August 6th, and I hope you will consider joining us!

One Breath, One Step: A PriorFatGirl Get-Together (Summer 2011)

Rebuilding

(I am hoping this post isn't too much of a downer. It is meant to be mostly analytical and to express the hope that I am holding in my heart.)

Years ago, I struggled to know who I was. I was focussed mostly on being what other people wanted. My life has changed dramatically since then and now I'm spreading my wings. Part of this entails forming new relationships of all types. This has never really been my strong suit. I'm an introvert. I'm shy. I'm very cautious around new people until I feel that I can let loose, and most troubling of all, I so often feel like I can't relate.

Being an unmarried, childless, newly solo renter, immediately puts me in a different category than most of my 30-something peers. In addition, my hobbies and interests sometimes feel like they are, not only a little strange, but generally not very condusive to forming close friendships. I'm a little bit geeky, but not geeky enough to talk shop. I don't keep up with any of the popular television series. I don't have cable and every time I sit down to a flick, I feel like I'm wasting time. I'm sort of crafty, but the crafty world always feels mostly like a place of solitude while diligently working on the project of the moment. My physical hobbies, biking and running, are most comfortably done solo. I hate the idea of not being able to keep up with those around me, like I'm too out of shape to go at any pace but my own. I love to garden and cook, but am not well-outfitted for either at this phase of my life and both are generally done alone anyway.

Worst of all, I have a difficult time carrying on a conversation. I am not an opinionated person. I live by a "to each their own unless someone is getting hurt" policy. I don't really care much about what is going on in the pop culture world. I try to avoid getting too wrangled up in politics because it exacerbates my anxiety issues. I know a lot of very intelligent and kind people, but never quite feel like I'm on the same wavelength.

So, I'm in a lonely place sometimes, but who isn't, I guess? What's my solution? I'm forcing myself to step outside of my comfort zone. OVER AND OVER.

For a year and a half, I've been volunteering for a couple of causes that I hold dear. It took me two years prior to that to build up the confidence to do so. In doing so, I've met a lot of sweet people, but somehow never connect beyond that weekly small-talk.

In becoming more physically active and starting this blog, I've discovered a beautiful community of supportive and caring people. Still, sometimes I just feel so... different... so... removed.

I need to keep at this; volunteering, taking classes, going to various events, putting myself out there amongst people. I need to continue to relearn what it means to be a good friend, a skill that I lost during a decade of emotional angst and fear. I need to learn patience with the organic nature of friendships. I hope to someday again know the feeling of having a best friend who also holds me in the same regard.

Please be patient with me, world, and I will offer you the same.

Redemption

I was very disappointed in myself on Wednesday, C25K w7d2, which entailed a 25 minute run. I had done 25 minute runs last Friday and this Monday without too much trouble. I was able to talk myself through the walls around 10 minutes and push myself through the last 5 minutes relatively easily.

Wednesday was different. I started feeling myself hitting a wall around 8 or 9 minutes, then another around 15, then looked at my time in desparation around 18, hoping that I was almost done. I was having a mental argument with myself over whether or not I should give up and start walking. The previous two runs had gone so well but today my legs felt like lead. I finally pulled the plug, and slowed to a walk around 19 minutes, a mere 6 minutes from the end. I felt an instant sense of failure. Granted, it was a toasty 84 degrees when I laced up my shoes, and the humidity was pretty high, too. Still... it was frustrating.

I fight with frustration over my own failures occasionally. Who doesn't? I know, from the outside, this might not seem like a huge deal. Just redo day 2 and move on, right? It still represents, to me, a failure of mind over matter, which has been a driving force for me during much of this training. I count on my brain one-upping my body! I need it to be able to keep pushing me through the hilly areas or the sluggish feelings. If I don't have that, what DO I have to keep me going on this journey?

The end of the work week was HOT - 95-100 degrees hot - and so I decided to delay d3 until this morning. I woke up naturally around 6:30am. My body clock is pretty reliable. I laid in bed for a while, trying to convince myself to try to sleep in on this beautiful weekend morning, without success. After a pbj to calm my waking stomach, I strapped on my shoes, popped in the ear buds, and hit the sidewalk. As expected, I was nervous. I couldn't get Wednesday's run out of my mind. But this morning was different. 70 degrees, sunny, breezy, and full of the promise of a long summer holiday weekend.

During the first part of the run, I had to consciously slow myself down several times, knowing I had a ways to go. Then that heavy feeling in my legs started to set in around 14 minutes. "Oh no! I'm not going to make it," was my first thought and then, "I HAVE to make it," my second. I'm anxiously awaiting the next week's C25K podcast to get away from a song in this week's that honestly kind of creeps me out. Reason enough to finish, right?!

I made a shortcut in my route, apparently subconsciously thinking that if I made it to my usual stopping point earlier, that the time would go faster. ;) I began to pull out every trick in my book, breathing exercises, mantras, turning only down the downhill/shady streets, thinking about ice cream... and then finally, that beloved voice telling me I had one minute left! That last minute is always painful, but somehow not. Knowing the end is in sight makes it conquerable.

At the end of that 25 minutes. I bent over for a moment to catch my breath and nearly passed out. I decided I'd better just keep walking. The sense of accomplishment started to wash away the exhaustion and give me tingles. Once at home, I sat down to relax for a moment, and commemorated my victory with the neighbor girl's sidewalk chalk.

From Still chasing skies...

I hope you are also able to conquer whatever obstacles you encounter this week!