Hope

Some years ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. It's not something I usually advertise, though it is probably obvious to some people because it is plays a role in every single day of my life.

Initially, I thought my anxiety had first reared its ugly head when I was in a rough patch of my mid-20s. After much contemplation, I realized it had been prevalent in my life since before high school, just without a name. Upon diagnosis, I was offered medication, which I accepted gladly. At that point, I was feeling absolutely crippled by fear. Thankfully, I have a wonderful doctor, who concerns herself with whole body and mind health. I was given suggested reading and encouraged to up my physical activity to work through my mental challenges.

My journey of healing while under the influence of medication has been an arduous process, but with many rewards. I'm slowly rediscovering what it means to grow healthy friendships. I found the strength to leave a job situation that was unhealthy for me and have begun working for a company with a vivid and friendly culture. I overcame my anxiousness to reach out and began volunteering in a field that makes me very happy. I've been on a fitness journey that has had ups and downs, but each cycle leaves me feeling stronger and more committed to reaching lifelong aspirations. All of this is adding up to a stronger and healthier mind.

My depression waned as I made changes in my life and started working towards my own goals rather than those of others. However, the anxiety will probably always play some small role in my life. I've been weaning off of medication over the last year or so, which is a huge step for me. For years it was my lifeline, and then I decided I wanted to learn to face the day without a chemical running through my system. I have learned mental and physical tools to work through the struggles, hopefully without popping a pill.

In the meantime, I am fighting through the symptoms of withdrawal. That word has such a terrible connotation to me - as if I were an addict - but there's no denying that my body and brain became accustomed to having that chemical support to keep things in order. Changes are bound to throw it out of whack. I've been experiencing vertigo and disrupted sleep, as well as more anxiety. For years, I haven't recalled dreaming heavily or anything that I dreamed about. Lately I have been waking up from very intense and mentally exhausting dreams. In some ways, I feel clearer, more hopeful, excited to take on the world. But my introversion is in full force this spring as I work through the changes (and whirlwind wedding planning). I pray that I am not pushing people away in the meantime.

It's been a while since I've been motivated to write here. Minnesota has been under the cloak of a very long winter. This week, the days became suddenly much brighter and the temperatures soared to glorious 70s. People have seemingly come back to life. They are in their yards soaking up the rays. I'm starting seeds in plans of having herbs to use in a month or two. The birds are returning, then windows are wide open, and the grass is slowly returning to beautiful greens. In a word, there is hope.