I fear this may be the first green Christmas I've ever experienced. It's been a wonderful 25-45 degrees for days now, which I love, but there are none of those messy, beautiful, cold, white flakes on the ground to make it feel as wintry and Christmasy as it should. Here's hoping Mother Nature gets a streak in her this week.

From a forward sent to me by a co-worker. Almost makes me want to make fruitcake.

Wow, just typed an insanely long post about how much I am hating myself right now, and it got lost in the land of 404. It's probably better that way.

rryn: dayve
rryn: are there different types of corona
dayve: yes
rryn: like what
dayve: corona and corona light
* rryn reads the encyclopedia-o-liquor-i.e.-dayve
rryn: that it?
dayve: Neither me nor hate have seen anything else
rryn: hehe, nate?
dayve: Yeah
rryn: how many ya had?
rryn: t'nite
dayve: noe
dayve: noe
dayve: noe
dayve: WTF
dayve: none

Dave rocks.

Yummy.

I can't believe what a lazy ass I've been. I'm going to put something here. I don't know what, but something. Or at least make it look a little nicer. Haven't been much in the mood til now. It's been a strange and horrible last few months, but things are most definitely looking up. Hooray for straight up natural happiness. :o)

Managed to get absolutely zilch done last night and doing the same nothing tonight. Been sittin around, took a nap, playing online, did some laundry, which I suppose counts for something. The week started off just snazzy, and has kind of hit a lull, but tomorrow's Friday and I'm looking forward to the weekend. Nissa is going to be in town as well as the other things there are to be happy about. Might go out to the casino tonight with #kr peeps just to get out of here. I need to get started on some Christmas shopping as well. It's coming faster this year than last. The lack of snow on the ground (other than the few gorgeous white days we had last week) has made it all to difficult to know what season it's supposed to be, let alone three weeks before Christmas.

"I want wisdom on tap, flowing like water...
"So kiss me one last time, before I take my flesh away."
~ "Flesh," Jan Johnston

Mexican food is evil. I feel like I'm rotting from the inside out. :P

"Traveling, traveling..."

"there's always one worth waiting for

'oh the reason the night is long is very simple..
i imagine, tonight, that we can get along..
that nothing i can do with you is wrong, tonight..
if its okay to touch you,
it's alright to think 'electricity'
maybe it hasnt been so long..'
rainer maria."

Blatantly copied from Sulk. Thank you, btw... it's beautiful.

"All that was true is left behind." It was a random IRC quite message, but smacked me over the head tonight. Something very true and very real in my heart is being set down and left to wilt because it cannot be what I need. I am so saddened and hurting to think what might have been, but what can no longer be because feelings and hearts change. My heart is so ready for something deep and true and comfortable. But unfortunately, desires often don't keep up with needs and cravings, mine or otherwise. I can only wade through the muck of my emotions and hold onto the promise of sunshine.

Oh so sadly true! Sinfest rocks.

And this, my friends, is how we learn who really gives a shit. I have made little to no effort to get in touch with anyone over the last couple of weeks, and I am finding out some very interesting things about who my real friends are. Kind of entertaining.

SNOW!!! And lots of it! I'm loving the return of winter this year! I kept glancing out the windows at work today and couldn't help but grin when I saw the white flakes flurrying around. We got several inches, a good dose of wind, and it's pretty chilly out there. Quite a 180 from a week ago, sunny and in the 60s. I am so excited to hopefully catch a little more time on the slopes this year to make up for the last five or so of nill. Weeeeeee!!!!

My mother is good at sending me tear jerking forwards. I usually don't read them until days later when I am looking for something to do, but I am rarely ever disappointed. I hope this one is a true story; even if not, it is a good read.

"Caller ID

On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes.

When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways. The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking about. Then the man said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife. The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story.

"You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer!" The reason it showed on the man's caller ID that the call came from Almighty God" is because the church that the pastor attends is called Almighty God Tabernacle!!"

What a gloriously long weekend it has been. I'm not even fearing the whole Monday thing tomorrow. I'm going into a busy week catching up from last, but I prefer it that way anyway.

I managed to catch myself yet another cold. And so begins the winter cycle of having a cold for two weeks, none for another two to three, then another cold for two more. I stocked up on meds and kleenex today so I should be fine. Flu shot at work on Tuesday, which I'm hoping will not make me feel as cruddy as some of the stories I've heard. In years past I've only had a sore arm, which I most definitely can handle, even on top of the "sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, and fever." :P

The Max Graham set was fantastic, and nearly perfect. I was worried about how the night might go as it started out pretty sour before we all went down to the Quest, but once I started getting into things I lost track of anything other than the music and the way it was making me feel, which was incredible.

Vend-a-prescription... hopefully popping up in gas stations and grocery stores soon, too. :P

The Official Ramen Homepage. Not sure what makes it the official one, but hell, anything to do with ramen... (via chrome).

I'm starting to see a pattern here. Something tells me XP may not be what it's cracked up to be after seeing two of their billboards defaced posted in the internet in a week's time.

I hope anyone that enjoys astronomy is planning to go watch the Leonid Meteor Storm tonight as it is supposed to be quite a shower. I'm waiting around impatiently to head out to the country, find some dark sky and enjoy the show.

It's a bad shot, but ya get the idea. I'm so excited for this concert. Max Graham is a kickass trance DJ from Toronto that I first heard of less than two months ago, went completely crazy over, and here he is soon after. I thought of it at random points during the day today and started grinning like a monkey (to steal remni's phrase).

Bored out of my gourd and I don't care for once. I've been out and about and keeping my mind busy for days on end, weeks even. Being alone in a quiet apartment feels good for a change.

Will anyone ever be happy with any new software or OS? Still gotta give em props. :o)

[rattus] as long as it doesnt smell like tunas are going to your shower to die
[rattus] I dont see a problem

No, Ian, thankfully my apartment is not THAT nasty.

I've already signed up half the people I know...

from Batcave early this morning:

[poopyhed] what the hell is going on tonight?
[poopyhed] is there this wave of suck that i missed today?

I would say so, TJ.

agh

I keep waking up after only a few hours of sleep. I have had this happen before, but not to this extent. I am only worried because of the major feeling of dread that I keep awaking with... the feeling that I am supposed to be doing something or should not be sleeping for whatever reason. Matt called it apprehension. I think he may be right.

"I just needed someone to talk to, but you were just too busy with yourself." (donno who sings this song that I keep hearing on 93X and getting stuck in my head...)

I don't know what this is right now. I just can't stand the thought of people looking at anything I had here previously. This is it for now. I plan to put up something eventually, probably sooner than later, just don't have the energy nor the motivation right now. Things are ... too confusing for words.

If you have any interest in contacting me, please do so. ICQ: 1454977, email: corryn@corryn.org, AIM: Cxrrxn

[SadPhyre] "sometimes you just want to enjoy life for the simple pleasures instead of always competing"

I think this man just summed up the majority of any adult life I've experienced, as well as much of my adolesence. I am somewhat blown away.

dammit, dorfy. now i want tator tot hotdish. :o)

Word of the Day for Tuesday September 18, 2001:

quagmire \KWAG-mire; KWAHG-\, noun:
1. Soft, wet, miry land that shakes or yields under the feet.
2. A difficult or precarious position or situation; a
predicament.

.... boy, if that ain't the truth. :P

Sometimes hope is painful.

Some people try to look at the stars, but the darkness gets in the way.

Thinking who's arms I should have been going home to last night made me sink into a new spot in my mind and my heart. I am trying to think about how things can only get better and all of that, but it is also hard to think about the wonderful future that may not be in store for me now. I am up and down and up and down as far as my emotions go, but not in the usual way. I am numb on the outside, and deep down, I am feeling emotions that I have never known before. I am trying to not be selfish, and realize this may be the only way right now... and to be optimistic.

"Here I am, waiting to hold you"

"My affection is your infection."
~ X-Cabs, "Infectious"

I had a fairly restless night last night, as the night before. I don't quite know what to do with myself. Just waiting things out and hoping for the best. I am thinking too much and, for some reason, can only keep the good in the front of my mind. It is making it all too hard to not know where I might be a week from now.

"Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..." (if only I am let in)

Just when I was starting to finally be able to relax... someone points out this. (via Chrome)

Apparantly Arafat doesn't get woozy at the sight of needles.
(via Da5id)

Today was the most exhausting day emotionally that I've faced in a long time, probably forever. I woke up this morning to knocking on Matt's door by Devon telling us everything that had occured in New York a few minutes before. Horrifying. Disgusting that anyone can hold so much hatred towards others.

Tonight I experienced a pain in my heart that I have never felt to this extent before. I am hurting someone incredibly dear to me. I am terrified that I can be the cause of such sorrow. I can only wait, and communicate what I am able to, and hope that I have not severed the ties of the most wonderful love I have ever known. My heart is breaking, and my head is numb, so nothing more can be explained right now.

Tool - "Schism "

"I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing,
pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
the light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
we cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

"I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down
no fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication."

"one of the best quotes my brother has ever provided:
'ask for rediculous things, because sometimes, people say "yes"'"

via FictionSuits

This is the only proper way to sum up last evening's party:

"[22:56] [tbsoup] HOw did this party turn into slapstick bondage."
(Duct tape and drunk people don't mix... or mix quite well, depending on your point of view.) One fucking good time, I tell you.

Sometimes I just don't care (or at least I like to think so.)

"Children should not have to pay the price of the failure of adults to live together in peace."

What the fuck is wrong with people anyway? I've been seeing way too much displaced agression lately, from people all around me, even at work. It's horrifying.

On my fortune cookie tonight: "He who has not tasted the bitter does not understand the sweet."

It felt too much like a Monday today. Things went fine at work, but it was hard to stay motivated and I ended up leaving early just because I could. Sometimes a half hour can make all the difference. I stopped at the bank to cash a check and came back to find Matt still at home, which was unexpected and a wonderful suprise. We ran an errand, I took a short nap (yay!) and we went out for pizza. Thankfully, one of the best parts of a long weekend, is a short work week. Three days until a fun weekend.

"Man Receives Polka Punishment." (via Matt)

Ben, Devon, Matt and I went to the State Fair on Saturday. It was quite a day, got up early after too little sleep, went out there and drove around for a half hour trying to find a parking spot, then began a long, but fun romp around the fair grounds. The weather was beautiful and everything that you'd expect out of the MN State Fair was there. We ate too much, played too many video games, got lots of free crappy propaganda, and rode the Space Tower for a beautiful view that stretched way farther than I imagined it would.

Yesterday was spent with family in the 'burbs. I hadn't seen my parents for two months so it was wonderful to get a dose of Mom's hugs and Dad's silly sarcasm. It is a little easier to be around them now that I am doing what I want to do and supporting myself. They are still constantly worried about me, but I can deal with that.

I've been basically spending way too much time at the House of Skark (a.k.a. Matt's place), but it's been going better and better. I'm never quite sure if I've worn out my welcome or not, but it's difficult to leave when things are pleasant. I'm happier with my boy than I've been for a while. I'm always more sure of what we've got together and where we are going. Love feels good.

A plane is going overhead. At a distance it sounded like the wind starting to blow fiercely and I got a little tingle of excitement thinking a storm was brewing. I want it to be winter for a day or two. Sitting in my cubicle at work, I can't see out any windows, and there is very little obvious reflection from any of them either. It is very hard to tell what it is like outside without walking near the door. I often get strange feelings that it is dark and rainy or cold and snowy and windy outside. It makes it so much more comfortable to be sitting right where I am. I am often disappointed to go outside when I'm done and find that it is steamy and the sun is blaring. I don't know where this comes from.

I have too many irrational fears. I dread things that should be commonplace and appreciated. I dread lonliness and the unknown.

Beth looks somewhat like my cousin. Maybe I'm nuts, but there is a resemblence in my eyes. I have been an avid reader of her site for a couple of years now, and always felt some sort of kinship to her, maybe this is why. This is very very ood, especially since I very rarely see my cousin and know so little about her. I am crazy.

It's just not my thing anymore. Problem is, I donno what my thing is. But definitely not many of the sadly lame aspects of my current situation. *sigh*...

I am so pleasantly happy with certain pieces of my life, but I'm having a hard time working on other areas without affecting that which I do not want to affect.

"All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms."
~ "Enjoy the Silence," Depeche Mode

Red Lobster's biscuits are too good. I don't like waking up at 3am with a craving... especially for something I can't have... and something I just had in excess less than twelve hours ago. :P

I have this insatiable need for understanding. It was like a brick hit me over the head tonight when I realized this. I mean, I've always had an inkling that that was my problem, but it's becoming obvious to me that it is the source of much of the pain I have been experiencing lately. When I am truly struggling and feeling like I can't handle it, it's because I am feeling unaware of the situation, or that I do not have any clue what is going on. I am constantly trying to explain, in my head, or outloud, what is occurring, or what will occur, or how someone is feeling. I get quiet and the thoughts start to overwhelm my mind, trying to make sense of it all. I often reach for music in hopes of drowning out the jumble, and making some peace. Other times I just drown in it and get down on myself for not being able to participate or contribute. Grr. I've often been blaming the problems on lack of communication between myself and others, but it's deeper than that, though that is most definitely a seed. I am more than pleased at this realization, even though it is just another mess in my mind to deal with, it is one that I can encounter knowingly (ugh, what a vicious cycle!). I am becoming more comfortable with my self, and I know that I say that all too often, but it is more and more true all the time. I am more comfortable in my own mind, things are starting to make a little bit of sense inside, so I can relax and let things be confusing on the outside, and perhaps even realize the joy in a little confusion in life.

This is semi-creepy. Hauntings fascinate me. Probably because I've never seen the effects of one. Though I still believe.

I think I NEED to go to this.

Janeane Garofalo (at the Historic State Theatre)
9/22/2001 8:00pm
$34.50, 29.50

*drool*

To anyone else the weather this week would be perfect, highs in the 70s-80s, lows in the 60s, and "partly cloudy" every single day. To me it's boring and too hot. I miss snow and rainstorms and all the good stuff that makes it nice to cozy up indoors for an evening.

"We were trapped in something we didn't understand. It trapped us without us even knowing it. Perhaps it was his manner."

I love satellite pictures. Just to the right and just below center is the building I moved into almost four years ago. So much has changed since this picture was taken. The area has exploded into more housing and the retail/office area just west on Burnsville Parkway has been developed and modernized. I am seeing so many changes even since I have been there.

What a spectacular picture. I am awed. And look at this sky.

I am so caught up in the event that is Burning Man. Thousands of people are making their way out there as I am typing for apparantly one of the most incredible art and people experiences available. Here I sit reading all there is to read about it, looking at images from years past, and hoping I find my way out there sometime soon. It needs to happen.

We won $4 between the 11 of us that bought the Powerball tickets at work. heh...

This man (left):
was born on my birthday. Many years earlier, mind you. His name is P.T. Barnum, as in Barnum and Bailey's Circus. How cool. :o)

In addition, Huey Lewis and several filmmakers I've never heard of (i.e. Jon Cocteau - right):

Hah. (source)

This has gotten me thinking about how serious of a study astrology actually is. There are many days of the year that have very very few famous people born on them, or at least that this website knows of. July 5th is one of them. Most of the others have ten or more. So I guess either I'm really special, or really boring. Most likely the latter.

I do believe the entire world is bored tonight. Is there ANYthing happening? I guess I'm not trying all that hard - far too tired and lazy at the end of the week lately to feel like finding my way out of the house.

On a more interesting note, I've never seen these things before this week. Have you? Apparantly Pluots have been around since 1989. Beats me how I happened to miss them in the produce section for twelve years (!), but I'm glad I stumbled across them. Yummy. The weird and delicious things they're doing with science....

Hmm, are these first two games of preseason any indication of the rest of the year ahed for the Vikings? Let's hope so. There was something about the vibe going through the city last year when they were in the playoffs. The big purple V on the side of the skyscraper in downtown Mpls, and the Vikings flags on every other car you'd see, gave us away.

It was a relatively boring day at work. And that was the most exciting part of my day. Weeeeeee

fucking a. i hate people sometimes.

It is a female name in Greek. Make up your mind people.

It is also listed on a page of Celtic male names. Hrm...

so not true.

Apparantly, from another source, my name is a male Welsh name meaning spider. That's almost more accurate.

Everyone's going lottery crazy the past week or so. The Powerball jackpot is something like $280 million right now. It's fun to listen to people dream about what and who they would spend the money on. I went in with several people from work on 55 tickets. All day they were talking about how much we would each get if we won one prize or the next. I had to grin when someone said we'd all walk into work together on Monday and say, "See ya!"

It would be fun to never have to worry about having cash for the weekend, or enough to fill up the gas tank. I'd love to say, "my treat," a lot more often. And clothes, shoes, and music... I'd go hog wild. ...so many people's debts I'd love to pay off. Several worthy causes I'd love to donate to. Funny thing is, I'd probably still drive my car until it died. It would just get a nice fixing up. I'd probably still end up buying another Honda when it finally gives out on me, too. :P .................. *dream......*

Charlize Theron is way up there on my yum list, but oh my....

i should just keep realizing how lucky i am, rather than dwelling in how undeserving i am.

fuck if i can figure anything out right now. god. i'm kinda down on my faith in things, mostly myself, as usual. i'm starting to worry that maybe i'm not really worth it to anyone. hope i just need sleep.

Got pics back from the Ely trip today. I need a scanner. :P (and I need to start taking more photos on a regular basis... there were still pics on that roll from Xfest!)

Ely and Burntside lake were gorgeous as usual. It's very strange to come back to the city, even after only two days out. It's such a completely different world up there - trees everywhere you look, and the quiet is so quiet that it's almost loud. I got a few more pictures this trip and will post them soon. I have many more mental pictures than film pictures, though, which are, unfortunately, a little harder to share.

The thoughts are so much clearer out there. Less distractions and more freedom.

We drove through the evening on Friday and found our way through a raging thunderstorm near Hinckley. We arrive at the cabin late, went to bed and awoke to a fairly cloudy day. We canoed and napped and drove partway up the Echo Trail, a winding gravel road that eventually finds it's way into Canada, to see EdgeShave Lake. We had supper and s'mores and spent the evening relaxing. Saturday night's sleep was a little bit more restful other than a wake up call from Kato, the crazy black cat, at 3am to be let out. Sunday was spent reading old "Life" magazines (her collection is enormous, and circa 1940's), and doing other "cabiney" type things. Matt and I spent the evening canoeing across the bay and down a dead river. We ran into a beaver eating an evening snack, who chewed away for quite some time, swam smoothly by us, and chewed some more on some plants just behind us. I've never been so close to one in the wild. Quite trippy. The river was beautiful beyond words. The water, calm as can be. The foliage, greener than any other green I've seen before. There were lilypads everywhere, which made the most wonderful swish as we paddled our way through them, and when we'd stop, the silence was overwhelmingly delicious. It made me start envying those that found that land before us. It used to be like that everywhere - such a strange thought.

Here we are back in the hustle bustle of the Twin Cities metro. Lights always on, cars always passing. I enjoy it, but I'm actually starting to wonder if it is where I always will want to be. I think I always get like this after vacations to the lake, though. :P It, too, shall pass. hehe

I want to live a timeless life. If not forever, at least for a couple of years. My internal clock is insane. I always know what time it is within a few minutes, when I've been awake, and within an hour when I've been sleeping. I turned off the Windows clock and it's already getting to me not being able to glance down there every once in a while and see where the Earth is in it's daily rotation (at least in the central timezone).

Starting tomorrow evening it will be a timeless life for two days. Yay, Ely.

Double standards are not cool. Things should not be cool for one person and the end of the world for another. Sure situations differ from person to person, but the reactions shouldn't change drastically unless truly provoked. Just my rant for today. Wee...

I've been really up and down today. Matt was sweet as usual beside me in bed this morning and that always starts my day off well. It was cloudy and cool, which I love.

Work went well for a while, then started to drag on and on and on and on. Then I started thinking about too much stuff and worrying about everything I could possibly worry about and getting tired and all in all just getting cruddy. I started talking to Jim, the guy on the other side of my cubicle wall, and it ended the workday alright. He's a freindly guy and started talking to me about CONvergence and AnimeIowa and stuff like that.

I went and got some work done on the car and was pleasantly met by some really cool people at the Honda place. I left an hour and a half later, $40 less in my pocket, with a happy car. Then my car started shuddering at high speeds. I called them when I got up to Matt's and they said I needed to come down and get them balanced (another $50) or get them rotated back. Matt and I drove down there and told them to go ahead and balance them cuz I needed the tires to stay like that anyway. We left to go get food, and the night went to shit from there. We ended up bitching at eachother over pizza. I get so upset over dumb stuff sometimes. I lost it because the waitress was a little rude and various other things. I kept my cool and would've been fine, but that's not how things work with us.

Finally we ended up back at Honda and I found out I have a bent rim, which was what was causing the tire problems, and they had rotated my tires back to their original position. Apparantly I have to just leave them like that until they wear out now or replace the rim for $150. Yuck. I thought I would be able to get quite a bit more life out of those tires, but I guess I deal. So much money has been put in that car, but I can't help but love it. It's going to hit 200,000 miles this weekend on our trip. So weird that I've driven over 120,000 miles in my life already. So, the car thing made me a little upset.. I was out 20 bucks for a service that got performed and then unperformed.

Things got a little better from there on out. My car drives a lot nicer with fresh oil, which will be nice for the weekend, and it's freshly washed and vaccuumed. I got my blog working again. I managed to take a five minute cat nap earlier, which always improves my mood, just long enough to get drool on the pillow. Tomorrow we're barbecueing, doing some laundry, and packing up to head out right after I get off work on Friday. Three days of peace and quiet, here we come. :o)

"Bored people." ~ Highelf

Dear god.. I got it working again. Shame on me for not looking at when my last successful post was and realizing it would've been the post right after that causing the problems.... wee. So. Hi.

"I used to think that i could never lose anyone if i photographed them enough. In fact, my pictures show me how much i've lost."
~ Nan Goldin, photographer

A Hennepin County police officer made it into "Retarded Ravers of America!" We're so, um, hip, or something. (Choose "Hennepin Co. Challenge" from the "deluxe helmet tards" dropdown menu.)

It's a Beautiful Day! The sun is shining, the weather has cooled down over the past couple of days and I'm feeling pretty friggin wonderful. It was nice to sleep pretty much until I couldn't sleep anymore and lay in bed until I actually felt like getting up. Today will be a day of friend and music and good things. Hello, world. :o)

I have this idea in my mind of such an ideal, such big goals for myself, that I'm not reaching. So many days where I wish I could just be somebody else. But if that were to happen I'd want to take so many of the people in my life with me. It would be a complicated process.

Humorous, but a little too true. :P

This girl gives such a beautiful and deliciously visual description of a visit to White Sands National Monument. Sometimes it truly does feel like, "we are nothing," in comparison to the vastness of what is around us. I feel that way when I drive down the freeway and think about all the other lives going on around me, going their directions, taking their routes... on the same roads that I am, but so differently.

It was another schorcher. The heat index got up to 107 this afternoon and the temp was 97 or so. I don't like walking around in air the same temperature as my body. :P I'm looking forward more and more to fall and it's 50-60 degree days. I find myself daydreaming of the cool air, sun in the sky, and riding bike down the street crunching through leaves. Most of my favorite memories as a kid were during autumn.

I went to the Metris Arts Fair in Uptown today and came across a display of this man's glass work. It's is absolutely stunning.

There were several booths of glass framed art, similar to stained glass windows in fashion, but smooth in texture. I was also intrigued by some of the jewelry pieces there. I wish I had grabbed more business cards. I also am anxious to have more money in my pocket to support these artists.

Every horoscope I've delved into today for myself has said something about watching my budget and my spending. I know I'm going to be counting my pennies this week as I change over to a new payday and don't have a check for next weekend, but being reminded of it is not fun.

I'm starting to feel like such a failure. I am losing at the things I care the most about. I give an issue everything I've got and try until I can't try anymore. It doesn't work. I chill out about stuff and don't worry about it and just go on with things and that doesn't work either. I try everything in between. I don't try. I don't know where to go now.

Sleeping in until almost 1pm today was more than fabulous. I woke up a few times during the night/morning an was worried that I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, but I crashed really hard for the last few hours, then woke up and hurridly got ready for Eric and Angela's wedding. We walked in right before they started. Nothing like being fashionably late. :P

The wedding was short, and we made our way over to the American Legion for the reception. Sitting through all of it was a little weird. It's been a while since I've been to a wedding, probably since Jennifer's back in 1997, and the traditions were starting to get to me. I still had fun, after most of the #batcave crew got there and I started to loosen up a little. They're good people.

It's hot out again (still). Looking forward to fall. Not only do I have more clothes for the cooler days, it will be much more comfortable to even just sit than it is right now.

"One of these things just doesn't belong here. Hey, look at that girl..."
~ Esthero, "That Girl"

The weekend is here again and I am tired by midnight still. I'm starting to feel old. Or maybe I'm just a 9 to 5'er now. I want to scrounge up some energy to go play. At the same time I want to plop my head down on the feather pillows and engrose myself in a book until I conk out. :P

Sounds like I'm gonna be missing Hybrid in a couple of weeks to head up north to Ely and Matt's grandma's cabin for the weekend. I'm a little sad to be missing that show, but it's been almost a year since we last went up there and I'm anxious to enjoy the serenity again, even if just for a couple of days. Last year at this time I was unemployed, or in the process of becoming so. I had not a care in the world (other than finances, as always) and we took off fairly randomly to head up there. I think we stayed for quite an extended period of time too. I wish I could always live life with such abandon. Now I have to request time off work and make sure it won't interfere with anything there or elsewhere. Unemployment definitely has it's pros. But so does employment. :o)

Tomorrow I'm going to a wedding of a guy that I knew a couple of years ago when I was revolving in a slightly different circle. He is one of that last people I ever imagined getting married, and here he is one of the very first amongst those I know. It is so odd to see people around me, that are my age or even a couple of years younger, getting married and making a committment to someone. I go back and forth over whether or not I could do the same. At this point in my life, as of today, I know that I am not ready. Ask me again tomorrow, or how I felt a couple of days ago, and I might have said I'd do it at the drop of a hat. As much as my fantasies have dealt with marriage in the past, I hadn't ever given it serious thought on a personal level until just recently as more and more of my friends are getting into close relationships. Strange thoughts...

McRibs are back. I haven't had one of these things since Jr. High when the school started serving them to try to keep us all happy. Yum.

Hooray for boyfriends that know all the little tricks! Got my links fixed. What is it about that last little quotation mark that I always forget in the html? (so THAT's what "enter safe mode" is for. hehe)

Okay, so I'm getting some weirdass shit going on with my blog lately. Can't seem to edit out a couple of messed up entries. Wee, get to dig through the pages and pages of help forums on this thing. :P

Had Thai tonight.... *breathes fire* Yum. Uptown Minneapolis kicks so much ass restaurant wise. Pick a food genre and there's a 90% chance that there's a restaurant that serves it within four or five blocks.

There's something really messed up about ICQing and sending messages on IRC to someone that is in the same house as you. There's something ever more fucked up about it when they are less than ten feet from you and in the same room. :P What happened to real honest to goodness communication? ... verbal preferably.

I've been dealing with some crap at work for about a week and a half. Misunderstandings over hire dates and wages and such. I was told one thing by the temp agency over four months ago, and here I am being hired on by the company for much less than was promised. Or so they thought. I decided that I can no longer be a sucker and took some action. After way too many calls back and forth from the temp agency to the company and from me to the temp agency, we came to a very nice (on my end) compromise. I am fairly proud that I stuck it out and got what I wanted. It's also a huge weight off of my back. In two months I will have benefits, including the medical and dental insurance that I've been needing for a while. Now if they'd only cover car insurance. :P

It's scorching out... at 11:30 pm. We went into Bobby & Steve's, a huge kickass gas station, to get icees tonight and the counter guy announced that it was 90 degrees out... at 10:30. That's not right. Thankfully a shower cures a lot of evils. The last half of it was almost ice cold, quite purposefully. I washed away a lot from the last few stressful days.

"How bout me not blaming you for everything. How bout me enjoying the moment for once."
~ "Thank You," Alannis Morissette

Lucid Insanity

Wee. Boredom.

"You'd be surprised how different the view is on the way out than on the way in."

"This is the kind of day where any kind of definition you try to make is inherently false."
~ Ben (again... what a smart guy. :o)

In the past I have not been much of a fan of Tool's music. I don't really know why. But as I listen more closely to the lyrics, I am becoming more and more intrigued. It is truly poetry.

A year and a half ago seems like much longer sometimes. An evening of so much fun mixed into a time of so much pain in my life. Unfortunately the fun was mostly just an alcohol induced frenzy of meeting neat new people (Aaron and his crew) whom I have seen very little of since. Gatherings of IRC people seem to turn into drunken frenzies quite often. I'm not sure what to think of this. Either computer geeks really know how to have fun or are sadly pathetic. :o)

Going through one of those trip down memory lane things today... and wondering where everyone is and what they're up to. Time to get off my ass and get back in touch.

"Life is what happens while you're making other plans." ~ John Lennon via Ben

I have an idea of such an ideal in my mind. I daydream of it all too often. I don't know if where I am at is all I can hope to achieve or if there really is a chance for me to reach some of these things I wish for. I am a simple person deep down, but somewhere between my head and daily life things turn complicated. I wish for simplicity. I strive for it. I know that I am trying too hard. In other areas of my life as well. And it all turns to muck.

Borrowing yet another Dori.... She always finds the best stuff (maybe why I'm at her blog almost daily). "Where's the PLUR?!"

Area One was today. I've been looking forward to this day for a couple of months now. I was kind of let down, but overall it was fun. Unfortunately I missed the majority of the artists that I had wanted to see (Carl Cox, Nelly Furtado, Incubus, Rinocerose, etc), but it was very cool to finally get to see Moby and Paul Oakenfold perform live. We also managed to walk in right in the middle of The Orb's set, which pretty much made the ticket price worthwhile in itself. For some reason they're just one of those groups I never thought I'd have the opportunity to see live. Very cool...

One of the flyers floating around announced Crystal Method, Uber Zone, and HYBRID in August. I'm shaking in my boots, I'm so excited! I bought the newest Hybrid cd a few weeks ago and said something about how cool it would be if they happened to tour through here soon. I had no idea it was actually a likely event! Weeee! :o) Not to miss. Not to miss. For anything. Maybe if I am dying or something. Even then I think it would be my last wish. Mmmm.

This is what's wrong with the whole census thing.

I trudged my way into the basement of Matt's house tonight to wash some clothes that were getting pretty nasty after a really hot and humid week. I do not like that basement. We joked when they first moved in here that it's worse than the "Blair Witch Project" basement. Unfortunately, we weren't really joking. Roach traps (not empty), a live roach here and there (ugh), and to top it off, tonight I noticed a flattened mouse that looks like it has been trampled on a few times by unknowing tenants. I don't need reminding anymore to never go down there without shoes on. Gross.

But despite the disgusting moments every time I went downstairs, it was a good day and evening. I was on time for work for the first time in at least a month. Not that I care all that much... it was just a precursor to what my day would be like. I got a lot done at work and got the worst crap of the week out of the way (anyone feel like blowing up FedEx with me? :P). Went to McD's after work with Ben and the boy, came back to their place and watched Pulp Fiction. I've seen that movie countless times, but I think this is probably the first time I've ever actually gotten much out of it other than a couple of hours of entertainment. I have previously had a hard time following the crazy dialogues, which tonight, made all too much sense.

I am numb.

teehee :o)

Went down to the Quest on Thursday night to see Adam Beyer spin. What a show! Jack Trash was on when we arrived and though I'm pretty sure I've seen him spin before, I was pretty impressed with this time. Supposedly he was goofing up a lot, which is understandable considering he had been spinning for four hours, but my fairly untrained ear didn't notice a bit and I loved the house he was spinning. I was a little tired going into it and easily entranced by the booming bass that Mile High always brings to a show, but about a third of the way into his set (which I'm guessing was about two hours long), he broke out some really hard boomin tribaly techno and I couldn't help but be enthralled. My feet started movin and I was goin nuts the rest of the night. I donno what it is about that stuff. Anything with jungly bongos or this strange beat that I don't know how to describe. It kind of bounces and echos off of itself. yum. There's a strange sound I keep hearing in lots of it that's either a really high pitched bongo or some sort of wood block or claves that I love to death as well.

The rest of the night was spent running around to a couple of different Walmarts to dig up a Gameboy Advanced, which I'm loving. I just need to get some of the games for it, which are way more expensive than I expected. For now it's the old versions of Tetris and Zelda. :P

I am so optimistic when I've had enough sleep.

"I love you all, thank's for letting me be stupid just long enough so that I be great forever."

I read this in an open letter from a mailing list I'm on and was awed. That is such a perfect representation of my emotions towards those around me lately. I've been running around in circles screwing up important aspects of my life and those that care about me have been nice enough to just let me make my mistakes and learn my lessons the hard way (which seems to be the only way with me most of the time).

I know there's something strange going on. Even looking past my weird imagination and worries, there is something that's just not quite right. I know this. And it hurts. I wish I could figure out how to confront it or at least how to deal with it without just shoving it aside. I do that with way too many problems... set the aside until I become somewhat numb to them or until they go away entirely. Then there are the petty every day problems that I confront head on and should just let be. My priorities are in the right place, really. Where do the wires get crossed?

I have an ideal in my head. Good, simple, loving, nurturing, and fun relationships. It's just reaching the ideal that gets complicated. I would like to say it's the people I've come to befriend in the past few years, or my location or various other odds and ends that are causing it, but I know that in the long run, it is actually me who is the problem. I am changing, but in odd ways. And I'm pretty sure that my changes just aren't the right ones to suit my new environment. Where to go from here.........

Someone needs to develop a method of allowing people to sleep less and accomplish more. I'd love to be able to work in the day and get done and play all night. Too much good stuff goes on at too many different times of the day. "Burning the candle at both ends," as Mom calls it. My candle is mmmelllltingggg. *yawn*

It's been an odd day. Woke up just about every hour on the hour last night from various activity going on around here or bad dreams or mosquitos buzzing in my ear or what have you. Had to go to work on about five hours of sleep and actually had a somewhat productive day... until I left 45 minutes early because I couldn't stand it anymore. :P Took a shower, crashed for a short while and it made the evening that much easier to face. It's weird how much lack of sleep affects me. Kind of scary. I end up biting people's heads off then just disappearing into my own little world for a while to avoid conflict. It's not pretty. Well, looking forward to Friday tomorrow then the weekend. :o)

http://pub50.ezboard.com/bchvliveson

Okay, so I'm getting lazy. I need to find that site that keeps track of your bookmarks when you're not at home. Here I am rotting at the House of Skark for the second week in a row and it's very difficult to keep track of cool sites that I find. Thus I post them here.

This looks snazzy and useful for da other tranceheads out there.

I don't understand the need for complexities and complications. I'm a simple person. I prefer simplicity in most aspects of my life and am getting frustrated with the arguments and the confusion and the messed up webs we weave in relationships with other people. I've lost faith in many people over this very issue in the past few years. It's hard enough to trust people most of the time, and then to find that they are really just slimebags like the rest of em is really disappointing. I'm not referring to anyone in particular, so if you think that, it's your problem. Just know that. Anyway....

I've been slacking. Blog wise, paper journal wise, life wise. It's been way too easy to sit on my ass this summer and do not a lot of anything other than work seven hours five days a week. But I've been having fun and learning more than I could ever have asked for. Life lessons have been coming at me from left and right the past couple of weeks and I'm feeling so much better about so many things in my little world. Hehe, it's obvious by the fact that I'm actually motivated to work on this silly site again. :P

"Not everybody understands house music. It's a spiritual thing, a body thing, a soul thing." ~ Eddie Amador - "House Music (Deep Dish Body and Soul mix)"

I'm on the outside looking in.